Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve experienced loneliness, especially in the last few months. Many of us have felt for the first time what it is like to be cut off, isolated from those we love most. Some of us have felt loneliness gnawing away at us for a long time and finally feel like we are no longer alone, with so many other people sharing in our experience. Many who are extroverted feel the isolation particularly keenly. Some who are introverted are beginning to understand that even we have a limit to how much time we can spend alone with our own thoughts. Huggers are feeling like we’ve been forced to go cold turkey (personally, my withdrawal symptoms seem to include eating a lot of chocolate and at times flinging my arms around my laptop in an attempt to hold my family and friends close during a zoom call… yeah…).
Why do we feel this way? We’re still in touch with people, we text, we chat, we share memes like we always have. In some cases, we’ve actually become more connected since lockdown began, through friend-group video calls, quizzes, hang outs, bible study and small groups. Why can’t we shake the emptiness? And what can we do to feel better?
Well, we need look no further than the first pages if the Bible to understand why we feel this way. We simply aren’t made for solitude. The only thing not ‘good’ about God’s beautiful creation in the Genesis 2 account is that there is a lonely human. This human had God for company and was still ‘alone’! I mean, come on, Adam, pull yourself together, just chill with God!
Something like that response is often our first instinct when we start feeling the loneliness creep in. Maybe I’m not being holy enough? Surely, if I prayed more, I wouldn’t feel this way.
To some extent it’s obviously true that we are never alone. God has promised us that ‘he will be with [us]; he will neither fail nor abandon [us]’ (Deut.31:8). And yet… that gnawing feeling doesn’t always go away if we just pray more. Again, if we just looked more closely at that creation story, we needn’t feel guilt or shame about that. God acknowledges and validates our pain. And God remedies the problem by giving Adam an equal, a friend, a true companion, a saviour. The Hebrew word often translated as ‘helper’ in verse 18– עֵזֶר (ezer) – is otherwise only used to describe God in the Old Testament. The implication is that this ‘helper’ is someone who is able to help us out of situations from which we cannot save ourselves (excuse my Theology nerdiness). Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 also talks about the fact that ‘two people are better off than one’. Our fellow human beings are our saviours. Before I get branded a heretic, I quite obviously don’t mean this in an eschatological sense. Only Jesus can ultimately save us from sin. But fellow humans can save us from loneliness. That is the purpose for which we are given to each other.
So it’s ok to feel lonely, even in the presence of God. For some, even acknowledging that might be a big step. But where do we go from here? We are so connected; how come we still feel so lonely?
I would like to suggest that part of the problem is that we don’t crave just ‘connection’, but true relationship. Group calls on zoom might help us to know that we are part of a larger group but there is so much research out there showing us that this very artificial, clinical way of communicating can actually drain us more than it can help us. I mean, ‘zoom fatigue’ has become almost as big of a cultural phenomenon as zoom itself. What we need is relationship, people who challenge, stretch, love, and build us up. We need to ‘consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another.’ (Hebrews 10:24-25a). Unfortunately, our generation seems to have forgotten that these kinds of relationships take work, that it should cost us some effort to get to know a person, that it can be really hard to be open and vulnerable with people. We assume that it should all be easy. If we are made for relationships, why don’t they come naturally to us? Yes, we were made for relationships. But the Fall means that we cannot easily be vulnerable with each other anymore. We are ashamed of who we really are; we hide from one another. And so we have to work at relationships.
All that is to say that 1) it’s ok to feel lonely. 2) the solution is real relationships, friendships with people who love and challenge us. 3) those relationships take work and dedication to cultivate and maintain. Obviously, this is all even harder when you can’t meet (and hug!) anyone physically. But it is not impossible.
Knowing that we all feel a similar way can really help to give us the courage to reach out. I have found that making phone calls with individuals, as well as groups can help. Another thing that can help is to actively engage in a joint activity. A lot of the time zoom calls can feel like you’re just passively consuming the conversation. Getting involved in a community, working together with others fosters a feeling a of deeper connection. You feel like you are contributing something of value. One thing I have been trying to do is embracing new and unusual media to communicate. One of the things that makes video calls feel so strange is that our whole life is now happening on the same platform(s). It’s like working, studying, hanging out with friends, speaking to lecturers, catching up with parents and distant relations all at the same pub. It’s weird. So, get some variety, try something new. And I don’t just mean new technology. Maybe write a letter. Send one of those cringy animated e-cards. Pack a care package and drop it off at a friend’s house who lives nearby. Stand under someone’s window, shouting up to the 2nd floor. Admit to others that you feel lonely. Be honest about those feelings. Chances are, they feel it too. Finally, give your feelings to God. Pray for strength and perseverance. This too shall pass.
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